Pride and Post Offices

I'm just going to say it: I'm scared poopless to speak French to the French. I'm usually so scared that I end up messing up and sounding even more stupid than I actually am. I wasn't really able to get over this for awhile, and it was really frustrating. I didn't want to drag my friends who spoke French better than I do to every errand that I needed to do. I detest being heavily dependent on others, and a huge fist of dependence, helplessness, frustration, and humiliation repeatedly kept punching me in the face. It was only until I cared more about what I was doing than how I appeared to a French person that I was able to conquer this weird position I had put myself in.

I still really haven't wrapped my mind around the fact that I am the foreigner here. People don't speak French to be cool or seem a certain way, it's their version of normal. Being picked up and plopped into someone else's normal is always strange. I feel almost apologetic for being an American and botching the heck out of their beautiful language, but at the same time I don't want them to think I am completely stupid. I always want to know what I'm doing, seem like I have it together, and not be out of the loop in any way. This is literally impossible here. I never know what I'm doing, I never have it together, and I am almost always out of the loop. Things have definitely gotten better. I can ride the bus, order from a menu (kind of), and shop, but there's always the possibility of something happening or someone saying something and me not knowing how to react. Being this vulnerable is the complete opposite of clinging to my warped sense of pride in knowing how to function well in America. We can't hold onto pride and learn. We cling to it, but it only holds us back.

I had run into some money issues leaving me without cash and only a credit card. Bad plan. If you're going to Europe, always have cash. After lots of running around and talking to many rude and not helpful French people, I didn't care what they thought as long as I got my dang money. I went to the post office by myself and was shaking as I filled out my Western Union form, but I did it. The people there were really nice and started speaking English when they heard my accent, but not everyone will even do that. All I can think is that I'm not going to be afraid to do anything in America now, where I can actually speak the language. My confidence has definitely been boosted, even though I know that I completely suck at French.

Another random observation: the literal translation doesn't matter, the message does. You try to translate literally and you're going to get yourself into a mess because that's just not how it works. There are so many things that I'm learning that can technically be dissected into parts that can be literally translated, but meanings are changed and messed up when one tries to do that.